Book Review: Dangerous Love
Author Chad Ford
Name recognition means something. At first, I vaguely recognized Chad’s name, but it wasn’t until I opened the book and read Jim Ferrell’s forward that I realized why. A solid understanding of the intricacies of personal connection implies that if you like the works of one, you’re likely to appreciate the works of another. Chad’s work in this book confirms this concept. His work is impressive, and I can honestly say that reading through this book was a pleasant reminder that solutions are available.
Dangerous Love is more about transforming conflict into understanding. The comprehensive study he puts forth in the book explains in vivid detail why the courageous choice of our time will be to find ways to LOVE those who challenge our awareness of the arising conflicts. Unlocking creative solutions by focusing on discussion, communication, and ultimately dissolving contention strengthens relationships, workplace development, and business /professional well-being. Anyone can be a mediator/facilitator within the realm of finding solutions, having an impactful influence over their community, and specifically finding ways to negate conflict by overcoming fear and developing ways to transform conflict into cooperation.
Ford confronts the issue of invisible confrontation, acknowledging that some are so self-absorbed that they can’t see beyond their own pain to recognize the weaknesses or difficulties being faced by others. The explanation of why those who can’t “see others” become stuck in the conflict is literally exacerbating the problem. Interaction is scary, so instead of interacting and finding a way to “SEE” their opponent, they escape into the fishbowl and bounce ideas off of like-minded schools of selected individuals. The idea that it’s too dangerous to take the blinders off and see your opponent prevents anyone from looking at the actual conflict and being open to solutions.
But Ford uses the “what if…” concept to turn his argument around.
What if we see the opponent as someone who needs us?
Ford offers specific steps to resolve conflict and find a common ground where this scenario can work. And, a personal revelation here… He used one of my least favorite “writer words” to kick start the process.
“Turn” first.
The realization that we live in a world at war, in his words we’re obsessed with conflict, implies that we really do need to be better at working through the conflicts. And Ford says we can do this by being willing to look at the other guy and see them as “needing our help” or needing to be heard. How often do we look at the person arguing with us and say, “Hey, can you explain that to me, I don’t understand where you’re coming from?”
I liked the way Ford took fear out of the equation by affording the opposition the benefit of doubt, “They just need to be heard too.” Did he just allow every person on the planet a measure of humanity?
Shocking! Right?
Stop looking for validation and validate the other guy.
When we realize that what we want most is what the other guy needs too… We give ourselves an opening to actually find the solution. We offer up an opportunity to allow the other person to know we are listening. We offer to hear them.
If you “turn” first, and start listening, do you think your “opponent” might turn around and look at you differently too? At this point, conflict can transform into an opportunity to resolve the problem.
Is reconciliation the goal?
Ford enters a discussion over different types of conflict and reviews the options that can be revealed before the solution is found. This element of Dangerous Love opens doors to a variety of different solutions. The huge gap between the conflict and the resolution may be nothing more than removing your own ego from the conflict and putting your listening skills into place. Do you really HEAR the other person? That’s an important part of resolving the conflict. You have to hear the other guy.
If you continue to see the us vs. them paradox, there will be no real solution. You can’t resolve a conflict where you’ve built a wall. This is an individual perception because boundaries are a natural distinction that helps to resolve problems. When we work toward the dynamic and wait for the other person to turn around, while we’re offering up an open door, we can work on becoming vulnerable to the options available.
Vulnerability doesn’t have to mean you’re in danger, it can also mean that you’re willing to see options.
I like the way Ford presented this information with clear cut steps and ideas to exchange. I would definitely recommend this book to others.
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4.5 Stars